Confessions of a Modern Day Heathen

This Sunday I decided to be the good little Christian and attend church. However, being the little deviant I am, I put on some jeans, tank top {not low cut at all} and some heals. I gave up on dressing up to church when I left my mamma’s house. Before walking out the door, I made sure to grab the notebook the church sells to take notes and put bulletins inside etc. I’d better have this handy because I ruined my Bible by leaving it in the car one day when it rained and the window was down. I hate going to church totally unprepared so this is my way for making up for it. Bibles are expensive. Well, it’s a really short drive. Just two lights, so I make it there in no time. As I turn in the Kroger, yes Kroger, parking lot, I turn down my Vivian Green cd. Has anyone ever made the mistake of pulling into the church parking lot bumping, "Put Yo' Hood Up?" Just me, moving on. No, Kroger is not hosting Sunday morning service. It’s located across the street and so I park there illegally because I don’t feel like taking the shuttle bus after church. What a way to start off your Sunday morning.

Shuttle bus. Yep that’s right shuttle bus. I go to a rather larger church. Actually the location I attend is the smaller of the two churches. The sanctuary still holds a few thousand people though. So I find my usual spot while scoping out the male ushers and get ready for the service. Church was great, but that’s not what this is about. And yes I scope out the ushers. This Sunday was really bad, whoever he was, he was a real cutie. What happened to old ladies with knee length skirts and button downs??

I remember when I was a little girl. For a while, my mother would drag us to every church outing, which I hated. There is nothing worse than getting dressed up{damn who ever invented skirts} to sit down and be bored for two hours. But I had no other options. The only part I semi-enjoyed, was to see what new and interesting thing this church would be into. Some you can’t wear pants to, women aren’t allowed to do things, some printed RULES in the bulletin, the list goes on. But the one thing I hate most about going to churches was the offering. Now, at my old church, we just passed the plate like we used to do. But you ever been to the church where you have to get up out your pew, walk to the front of the church and put your money in the basket? Which means that if you don’t plan on putting money in, you stay in your seat and so now everybody knows you don’t pay your tithes. It also meant my mother was able to see whether or not I put my money in. You know as a child you tried your best not to put your dollar in if you could, hoping your mother would at least give you change so you could hold on to a few pennies. That's two snickers or a whole handful from the candy lady.Well, I used to hate that. I looked at it as a form of punishment, a sly way for you to be embarrassed because you haven’t made your way up front in the past few weeks. Or even worse, the ones where they make everybody walk past the front and if you don’t have any money, everybody sees you just walk on by. Yeah that’s right, everybody that proudly dropped their white envelope is now looking at you in shame, praying for your lost soul.

Well, my church down here in the Ville is no better. As I stated before it is rather large, we call it Club Zion. Mainly because after church people post up like they do at the club. Well, there have been times meant to write about this earlier, that they would put the amount of money collected the week before and then flash the amount of money needed this week to meet our “building fund.” Now, I will say, unlike most churches we really did pay off our building and in a rather timely matter. However, I could barely contain myself when I saw numbers flashing and then the pastor getting up telling everyone to give an extra twenty dollars and somehow tying it to how Jesus will “see us through” if we do. Is he serious??? Oh my bad, I'm the only one asking this question.

Well, I guess an idea hit him because no more flashing numbers on the Jumbotrons. Nope ladies and gents, now EVERY week we read some tithing confession, where people hold up their tiny white envelopes and read in procession. To my amusement, I realized that only the people giving money were reading, therefore, us heathens remained silent. For a room full of people, it sure was quiet. Or was I the only one that noticed.

I’m going to hell with gasoline drawers on!!! Anybody got a dollar I can borrow, I always spend mine on the way to church at McDonald's :)